I chose blackout curtains for one specific reason: aesthetic. I wanted a cozy feeling room, dimly lit by cheap LED lights. Step one was getting rid of any natural light. So, I picked out a pair of brown curtains to shield me from the outside world. However, I didn’t realize the detrimental effects it would have on my mental health.

For the longest time, I thought shielding myself was a positive thing. The sun couldn’t bother me and the outside world couldn’t look inside the privacy of my room. That similar state of mind was applied to my life, especially my social life. If I shielded myself, people couldn’t bother me. People couldn’t get inside my brain, couldn’t get to know me. I wouldn’t be hurt. 

Of course, that mindset was destroying me slowly. I was dealing with a lackluster life. I talked to maybe two people in depth, but most conversations ended up being futile. While I had boring days at school, my room greeted me with a sad and empty feeling. It was the same endless routine of going to school and hating everything, then going home and hating everything. It was exhausting and the darkness was making it so much worse. It felt like the sunlight was becoming a folk tale in my life. 

I opened up my curtains once the weather started to clear up a bit. In late March, the air warmed and the sky brightened. I felt happier, and it gave me the motivation to clean my room. I blasted music and decided to draw my curtains. I was surprised by the warmth the opened window let into my room. I had to stand on my carpet for a moment. I had to let my legs enjoy the sunlight that was glaring onto them. I ended up even sitting on the spot later on, taking up all the warmth of the reflection sunrays. 

On that day I realized something. I understood that shielding myself from the sun and people harmed me. I thought it helped, but in reality, it kept me away from so much. It kept me away from the warmth of the sun and the warmth of people. I sabotaged myself by hiding, and I knew then I needed to stop.

I’ve started opening up my curtains whenever I can now. If it’s sunny out, there’s no doubt I will have my curtains tied to the side of my window. I’d much rather enjoy the shine from the sun than the lighting from my ceiling fan. If the weather is hot enough, I’ll open the window and let the breeze fill my room. It feels refreshing and calming which is something I definitely need in my life right now.

Not only have I opened my window, but I’ve also tried to open up to people a bit more. Thankfully, I already committed to the drama club, and performance week forced me to get close with certain people. Plus, getting a job has also helped me build relationships. I made friendships out of those interactions, and I can see myself holding on tighter to them. I’ve met people I genuinely like, and I don’t want to see the effort I’ve made go to waste. I want to feel the sunshine from human interaction and how comforting it is. 

There are still days where my curtains are closed and so am I. Sometimes people just have bad days, and that’s okay. The sun just won’t be able to see me some days, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. This shielding also doesn’t have to be a bad thing. At night, curtains don’t need to be open. On bad days, all I need is some space and boundaries until I can refresh my mind. 

There needs to be a balance between the opened curtains days and non-opened curtain days. Otherwise, I’d be sunburnt, and my room would be way too hot. I’d be exhausted and burnt out. It’s okay to need a break, and there should be those break days. As long as people remember that there is still a sun to enjoy, then they will be okay.