‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny’ was destined to flop

When gifted an iconic and memorable film franchise, it’s incredibly important to handle it with care. After all, these are the movies future generations of viewers and creators will look back to for inspiration and comfort. They are legacies in the making, meant to be regarded with as much esteem as those before them.

Unfortunately, Hollywood has never been very good with sequels. And no franchise has been done dirtier than Indiana Jones. 

The Indiana Jones movies are some of the most cherished, family-friendly action movies to date. Or, at least, they were, before Lucasfilm decided to make yet another sequel.

“Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny” wasn’t even supposed to exist, originally. The movie before it, “Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” was meant to be the finale, as it passed on Indiana’s legacy to his son Mutt. It got mixed reviews after hitting theaters in 2008, which may be why they decided to tack on another movie, or maybe they’ve just never heard the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right”. 

Either way, the newest Indiana Jones installment is a failure, plain and simple, and much more so than its predecessor. The storyline is barely a line at all, rather a jumble of scraps fed to the audience from different tables. And none of them are worth eating. 

The film opens with a 22-minute-long prologue that makes the audience aware of the mysterious artifact, the “dial of destiny”, that the movie is all about. And that’s great and all, except that that’s all it does. Harrison Ford could’ve mentioned it in a single scene, and the audience would’ve been okay. 

Following the prologue, we meet the spunky rebel girl with questionable motives we can only assume are going to force the retired and depressed Indiana Jones back into his old line of work (and then eventually take his place). In this movie specifically, her name is Helena, not that it matters because she has no defining characteristics throughout the film (except maybe being annoying). One minute, she’s the con artist with a tragic past, the next she’s the stray Indiana must help onto the right path, and after that who knows, she could be the popularized fem fatale or even Indiana’s best friend. 

It’s great that the film industry is trying to introduce strong female characters–is what I would say if it were true. But they’re not. For that to happen, they’d have to quit forcing the half-baked “I’m an independent woman which means I accept no help ever and think I am always right, which inevitably leads to my becoming a damsel in distress”. This is usually followed by said girl getting help from the main (male) character until they can effectively take their place. And don’t try to tell me this isn’t a real thing, it happened with Harrison Ford alone twice. First with him as Han Solo helping Rey in the Star Wars franchise and now with Indiana Jones. You’d think they’d figure out by now that instead of just replacing an overworked and tired role with a woman, it’d be a better representation to just, oh I don’t know, actually use their brain cells to make a new character. 

But don’t worry, there’s some sense of equality in this movie because the other characters are just as awful. 

Harrison Ford looks like he’s being held at gunpoint for most of the scenes. Either that or he was replaced by a clone who’s never heard the name Indiana Jones. The main character who used to be fearless, cunning and remarkable is gullible, watered-down and just sad. It’s almost like he knows he’s being replaced before his replacement even comes on screen. 

And I don’t even know what I can say about the side characters. There’s a little boy named Teddy who is supposed to be the comic relief, only I hope not because he somehow has even less charisma than Helena and has the comedic range of a horrible Netflix comedy special.

Meanwhile the villain has no other character trait besides “vaguely evil (?)”, and I can’t even be sure about that because the only crime I can remember him committing is having the haircut of a male tax collector whose only hobby is collecting buttons. 

I might’ve been able to withstand the sheer stupidity of all of the characters if it wasn’t for everything else about the movie. Like I said, the plot? Nonexistent, don’t bother looking for it, it’s not there. The script? Thoroughly butchered and then somehow approved. The action? I don’t think people beating each other up has ever been so boring. The conventional car chase? I clearly remember thinking, “are they done yet?” (they were not). The setting? Literally doesn’t matter. Honestly, most of this movie’s aspects don’t matter. 

And that’s what makes it such a shame. It’s not only ended the Indiana Jones franchise but also effectively ruined it. Those creators of the future will no longer look back to Indiana Jones for guidance, they’ll look back to it for what to avoid. They haven’t just disappointed current fans, they’ve also spit in the faces of past fans and made themselves a pariah for those of the future. “Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny” is nothing more than Lucasfilm making a mockery of their own characters and ideas, and a reminder of the fragility of legacy.