School nutritionist Gordon Ramsay was found guilty of cursing vegetables to grow inside of children’s stomachs. 

“They were so disrespectful to me for nothing. They would salt their food without tasting it first, put too much ketchup on everything and would start food fights every week. I decided to take matters into my own hands and curse the vegetables that the kids would eat,” Ramsay said. 

According to Ramsay, each night he would curse the seed of the vegetables so that it would grow inside of the victim’s stomach. After eating the cursed vegetables, the seeds would grow inside the children. The kids would have to undergo surgery to remove the seed only to find that they had grown vegetable-humanoids inside themselves. 

“At first the doctors thought it was just a stomach tumor, but when they went to remove it, they found that the vegetable was alive. It’s so weird,” one victim who wished to remain anonymous said. 

“I didn’t realize what was wrong with me until I felt something kick in my stomach. It felt almost like a foot. I’m glad the doctors were able to remove it before it fully developed, but I haven’t gotten much sleep since everything started,” senior Ben Blackie said.

Despite the harm he caused, Ramsay does not regret his actions.

“I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was all worth it. Those idiot sandwiches got what was coming for them,” Ramsay said. 

Ramsay was sentenced to a five year sentence, but has since escaped custody and was last seen loose in Cook County. 

If seen, contact Jenny at 867-5309. Do not attempt to approach Ramsay.